Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
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