hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
