I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
