so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
