I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
