Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
