just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
