where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
