Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
