Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I forget how to act sober
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
