Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
