new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
