My Higher Power is John Stamos
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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