the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
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