I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
