brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
