She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
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