You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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