I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
