and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
