she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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