R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
