i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
