Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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