Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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