finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
