my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
