I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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