Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
whose parrot is this?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
