My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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