Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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