Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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