my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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