i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
