You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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