is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
