I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I can't put those talents on a resume
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
