i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
