remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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