wakey wakey hands off snakey
one two three fourrrrnication!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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