I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
