my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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