The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
