Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
