I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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