I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
