Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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