I want to have your abortion
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
