he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
