Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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