i already hear my dad disowning me
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Randomize
